Tag Archives: Confidence

Settling vs. Setting The Foundation

7 Dec

We’ve all been told, don’t settle, follow your dreams, reach for the stars blah blah blah.

Does it ever feel like you’re following and reaching and trying but you’re not moving fast enough or you’re not even close to where you thought you’d be right now? So then you think maybe you should just settle. And then your self-esteem plummets and self-confidence jumps out of the window and you question what you’re even worth or capable of….STOP…

Don’t get so discouraged-

You have to set the foundation for the things you really want. This may be mistaken for settling but it’s far from it.

So taking a job that’s not quite up to par for what you want to do isn’t settling. You’re setting the foundation of experience, skill acquisition, time and money in order to keep moving to where you want to be. Only if you stop working hard and trying to move up is when you’re settling for less.

Giving someone an honest chance to be your friend or significant other and them letting you down or mistreating you is only settling if you a)  don’t stand up for yourself or b) don’t leave the relationship if nothing ever changes. Otherwise you are just setting the foundation for what you know you need and/or want out of a friendship/relationship. (Remember: There’s something to be admired when people let others in their lives before making a judgement and when people give second chances). 

We all have lists upon lists of things that need to get done- within the hour, within the day, within the week..Don’t be so hard on yourself if you’re not moving as fast as you want, or not accomplishing things as quickly….All you can do is work hard, be genuine to your pace and progress will always be there. Don’t give up or settle because it’s taking a long time, or as Earl Nightingale said -“Never give up on a dream because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyways.” 

 

S.K.

 

 

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Making The ‘Right’ Decision

5 Oct

Like all decisions that have to be made- if you choose one side, you’re giving up the other. It’s not rocket science. But I never really thought this through until I confronted my sister with a recent decision making dilemma and this is what she said:

“Something has to be taken away whether you take away from yourself, your parents, your relationships, school or whatever else, something has to give in order for their to be gain. If you can trust that you are doing the right thing in that moment, regardless of whether you regret it later (because that’s a lesson in itself), then you have to let everyone else deal with their own feelings because of it.”

After hearing these golden words from my sister I realized I was having such a hard time making a decision because I couldn’t give everybody what they wanted or have it all.

No matter how you spin it, making a decision requires a loss and a gain. C’est la vie.

The truth is that the actual decision making isn’t the hard part. The difficulty is having confidence that what you decide is right, no matter how it turns out.

So, next time you’re in a decision making dilemma ask yourself – “which one will I regret not choosing more?” and visualize yourself in each scenario.

Everybody else will eventually come to terms with whatever you decide but you have to live with your choice and its repercussions, always. 

S.K.

P.S. Look out for the final post in the Characteristics of Greatness series at the beginning of next week. 

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Be Yourself, Unapologetically

22 Aug
This week, I guest posted for a friend, Shabana Feroze. Below is the blog post but to see the original please visit The Silver Kick Diaries. Check out her blog regardless of where you read my post!!                                                                                                                                           
All my life I’ve been well behaved and accommodating. It’s what I was taught growing up. It’s appropriate. It’s polite.
 
It’s also sacrificial, confining and somewhat submissive. I find that I apologize for everything. I find something to apologize for when I hurt someone else’s feelings even though I was just voicing my opinions. I apologize for standing up for myself especially when I’m standing alone. I even apologize when someone bumps into me when walking down the street or when the cashier dropped my change while trying to hand it to me. I apologize for everything.
 
It’s my most natural reflex to apologize. On one hand, I’m proud that I never hesitate to admit when I’m wrong and apologize. However, it becomes a problem when I apologize just to lessen a blow, end a fight, avoid confrontation altogether, or break the silence.
 
Worst of them all is when I apologize and compromise my beliefs, my feelings, my rights and who I am in order to make someone else feel better.
 
I’m learning now (better late than never), to firmly stand up for myself, say what absolutely can’t go unsaid, give room for other people to own their mistakes, and finally accept parts of me that I should never apologize for.
 
Here’s what I’ve learned so far-
  • Don’t ever apologize for what you believe in or for standing up for what you believe in.
  • Don’t apologize for who or what you love.
  • Don’t apologize for pursuing your passions, whatever that may mean.
  • Don’t ever apologize for where you are in life and the pace you are moving at- be it faster or   slower than the “norm”.
  • Don’t apologize for your opinions, perspective or needs.
  • Do apologize for being rude, inconsiderate or careless.
  • Do apologize when you’re dishonest, late, or insensitive.
  • Apologize when you make mistakes, even if they are accidental.
  • Apologize for wasting someone else’s time.
  • Apologize for making someone else feel inferior.
  • Apologize for a poor choice of words even if the message was correct.
  • Don’t apologize for doing what’s right for you regardless of how that may make someone else feel but do acknowledge how unfortunate the circumstance is and be sensitive to how it affects someone else.
  • Don’t ever feel bad for how you feel but don’t ever use your feelings as an excuse.
  • Don’t ever be too stubborn to apologize.
 ‘Sorry’ is such a natural word in my vocabulary, I’ve almost forgot what it means and in the process have lost myself.
 
I have been doing an injustice to myself. By apologizing for everything I’ve never really stayed true to who I am, what I’m not, what I believe in, and what I deserve. And by not staying true to me, I’m doing an injustice to the world.
 
So remember- be accommodating (fit in with the wishes or needs of others, adjust), but never compromise yourself (adjusting a core part of what makes you you).                                                                                                                                                                                                       
Be yourself, unapologetically,
S.K.

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A Letter To The Past Me

13 Jul

Dear 17 year old Sahaj,

Congratulations! You just graduated from high school at the top of your class, VP of the student body, captain of the Varsity soccer team, President of the French National Honor Society, and second team all regional/first team all district field hockey player. I know you’re feeling really good and accomplished and as though there is nothing you can’t conquer. Well, I hate to break it to you but the conquering won’t happen until later down the road. Don’t worry. Don’t be frightened. The experiences and trials you will face over the next few years will solidify your strength and your individuality- both of which you are currently lacking.

Don’t be offended when your father jokes at your high school graduation party that the real celebration is going to be when (or if) you graduate college. You won’t graduate college in four years….or five years. At some point, you will even compare yourself to Steve Jobs to convince yourself that you don’t need to finish college altogether. Don’t be stupid. You’ll learn very quickly how much you need a college degree both for your dignity and for your future.

You will use “I care about other people more than myself” as an excuse for not facing your own demons or taking care of yourself. Family will navigate your path and you’ll blindly submit to them. Friends and society will dictate your pace and you’ll lose any sense of control trying to keep up. Significant others will be used to distract you from how quickly your life is falling apart.

You will disappoint yourself and worse, your family. You will feel ashamed for far too long and then you will discover the importance of carving your own path. It won’t be easy, but you’ll learn as you go. I know from experience.

Read on. It becomes worse only to get so much better.

Sahaj, everything will fall apart. You will fall extremely hard over and over again. You’ll experience something so traumatic – something people only hear about because a friend of a friend knew somebody who experienced the same thing. It will break your spirit. You’ll shut out anyone who cares about you and will allow yourself to drown. You will question the meaning of life on the deepest level where the only two answers to choose from are either a) it’s worth it or b) it’s not worth it. When you are convinced that you’ve hit rock bottom, you’ll sink even lower. Funny how that happens.

I’ll spare you details of the months to follow and say this: though you’ve left me with the scars, you also emerged out of this living Hell a new person. You started creating yourself as the person you wanted to be. You wanted to be strong, so you became strong. You wanted to focus on the love in this world, so despite feeling defeated you kept on loving life. You wanted to be fearless and, well, you’re still working on that, but you’ve definitely come a long way.

Sahaj, you don’t know how to do this yet, but one day you will stop letting everyone else tell you who to be. After balancing the inauthenticity that came from all of the above, you will demand more from yourself, family, society, and men. You won’t let anybody dictate your path or make you feel inferior or force you into submission. You will teach yourself how to be who you want to be. Somewhere in the next six years, you will be your greatest enemy but you will learn to become your best friend.

I’m sure you think you are happy now but truth is you’re only pleased because of how smoothly you’ve been coasting through life. In six years you will truly be happy. You will love yourself in a way that you’ve only known to love other people. You will be at peace with how hard life is because you will know how equally, if not more, rewarding it can be. Most importantly, you will stop seeking validation for your path or your life from anyone else.

So, today on your high school graduation day, I want to leave you with this – Trust your instincts. Follow your vision. Know that it doesn’t matter if your parents try to protect you or your friends try to save you, you need to believe in yourself.

You’ve had it easy and soon you will have it hard. Mostly because those around you have always spoiled you but partly because bad things happen that you can’t control. The real question, though, is when you take everyone and everything else away, who do you have left?

I know you don’t know the answer to this yet. But I do. Character doesn’t waver no matter who or what you encounter. You will be strong, persevering, humble and kind because that’s your character. You will break, but you will understand that only you can mend yourself. You will fall but you will learn that you have to have the will to get back up. You will fail but you will not stop trying.  You won’t let your struggles or your past define who you are going to be. And for that, I’m so proud of you.

Love,

23 year old Sahaj

 

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10 Simple Ways To Boost and Build Your Confidence

6 Jun

1. Learn to accept a compliment.  People tend to negate whatever it is they are being complimented on. For example, when people say they like your shirt, don’t respond with “it’s old”, or if someone compliments you on the work you’ve done on something, don’t respond with “it’s not as great as I wanted it to be.” I sometimes do this too and it reflects low self esteem. Learning to take a compliment is a social grace that should be cultivated. You don’t have to be cocky but you can still graciously accept it.

2. Affirmations. Positive self talk can work wonders. At least every morning and every night take a minute to do affirmations. Even better, look yourself in the eyes when you do them.

3. Be healthy. Sleep enough, eat well, and exercise. It’s that simple. The healthier your body, the more confident you become.

4. Self efficacy. Know that you are capable of things. No matter what life throws at you, you must know that YOU have everything you need to get through it. This will automatically build self esteem.

5. Self esteem. Know your worth in this world. Demand more from yourself and demand more from people around you. You deserve love, forgiveness, patience and happiness. Don’t forget it and don’t let anyone, including your worst enemy: you, tell you otherwise.

6. Be grateful. Remind yourself of what is in your life that you should be grateful for. This includes the small things because small things are usually big things that you take for granted. Make a list and keep it with you all the time. When things get hard or you feel bad, read it. There’s a lot to be grateful for. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves of that. 

7. Say “I Love YourName” out loud. Saying I love you to those you love can never be played out. We are always told to say it as much as possible, to make sure those you love know they love you. So, why don’t we do that to ourselves? By saying “I love _____ (enter your name or “myself”) you are validating that you are an entity in this world that deserves love…so love yourself. Love = confidence.

8. Go after what you want with everything you got. You can never be upset with yourself if you are pursuing your dreams 100%. if you don’t take a step you’ll always be stuck where you are, but if you do take risks and live outside your comfort zone then you never know what you’ll stumble upon and that adventure in itself will build who you are.

9. Don’t ever be ashamed of where you came from and what you’ve been through. In fact, be proud of who you used to be and how it has shaped who you are and how you are still becoming better. By simply acknowledging your progress, you are building your confidence.

10. Surround yourself with people who see the best in you, and see the best in yourself. When people make you feel good, you feel good about yourself.

Stay tuned because the next post will have a list on how to maintain confidence without stepping into cockiness, arrogance,  or over confidence. You can never have too much self-confidence, but you can be overconfident. 

S.K.

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The Waiting Game and The Mental Strains

7 May

I can get really intense about things that I want really badly. If any of my relationships are hitting the rocks, I tend to fight harder. If I am trying to pursue something for a dream or passion, I obsess over doing every possible thing I can to get there. But the absolute worst of all situations is when there’s nothing I can do. I can’t force someone to be a better friend or person for me, I can only be the best friend and person I can be. I can’t decide the results of something, I can just work my very hardest for the best. So what happens when you’ve done everything on your end?

Then comes the waiting game. Something I am still learning to perfect.

Whether it’s waiting for grades or exam results, waiting to hear back from employers, giving time/space to relationships and friendships, waiting for health test results, waiting for admission decisions, waiting for answers, and waiting for choices.

We spend a lot of time in our lives waiting and we’ve all done it. During the process we analyze all possibilities starting with the very worst. What happens if I don’t get the job? What happens if my girlfriend breaks up with me? What happens if I don’t get into that school? We spend so much time wanting things to go a certain way so when we are waiting to see if they will, we obsess over the worst. 

Then comes the mental strain we put on ourselves if things don’t work out the way we want. What’s wrong with me? Why didn’t that person or that school want me? I didn’t do enough. I’m a failure.

We start to put ourselves down. I am guilty of this so I know how easy it is to do that and also how bad it is. If things don’t go the way you want them to….you are still going to be okay. If you worked your hardest and did your best, then don’t put yourself down. Be proud. You made yourself vulnerable to something or someone and that takes a lot of strength. (Sidenote: If you didn’t do your best and you maybe even messed things up, then learn from it, be upset with yourself but don’t hate yourself over it. You are still the only thing you have for every minute of this life. If you don’t like who you are, forgive yourself and be better.)

Most importantly- Don’t tell yourself it’s not the way things were supposed to turn out. Instead, tell yourself it’s not the way you THOUGHT things were going to turn out. 

If there’s anything I have continuously been reminded of over the past few years, it’s this:

You will work hard. You will do everything you can do in a situation. Sometimes you won’t get what you worked so hard for.  You will feel bad. There’s nothing you can do about it. No matter what, things will be okay if not better.

Hang on. Life is a journey that goes up AND down.

S.K.

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“Something We Will Laugh About Later”

1 May

You know all of those moments where something goes wrong and someone else tries to comfort you by saying – “Don’t worry about it, in X amount of time this is something you’ll laugh about”?

Well, I’m here to shed some light on those situations.

If it’s something that you will laugh about later, laugh about it now.

Those moments that are awkward, mortifying, humiliating, incredibly upsetting or nerve racking that we wish would never happen, but always seem to happen to us and at the worst times, are probably our most defining moments.

There’s a lot to  be said about the person who is organized, timely, well spoken, confident and seemingly always put together.

There’s a lot more to be said about the person who can handle themselves with grace and humility when things go unplanned, when things fall apart, when they trip walking by themselves, when they get knocked down by a wave at the beach and then get up to realize they are topless (you may not be that off if you think I’m talking from experience), when they accidentally said “sex” instead of “six” at a religious event with 1,000 celibate people in attendance. The kind of person who can laugh at themselves and make something out of the wrong thing that happened/is happening and can’t be undone.

Who would you rather be? Hopefully the combination of the two people above, but unfortunately, most of you are more of the first person and when things do go wrong you choke, freeze, run away and let yourself feel overwhelmingly bad.

Laughing now AND laughing later can go for a hundred different silly things from personal mistakes and public displays of embarassment mentioned above to arguments in your relationships. If you’re going to laugh an hour later about how that was a waste of time and silly then just stop bickering now and laugh it off. The same goes for more serious mistakes or life screw ups that may actually ruin things at the moment but are inevitably out of your control after the fact. Examples to missing a conference or meeting because you took the wrong exit off the highway or realizing that you don’t have 2 classes left to graduate but rather 5 which means you have to take summer school or bombing a job interview etc etc etc. There’s no doubt that these things suck but if you can’t control it after the fact remind yourself  that later down the road things are going to work out. 

Own the mishaps of life, if there’s a lesson to be learned then learn it (i.e. leave with enough time to get lost, check, double check, triple check things etc) and if you will laugh about it later, laugh about it now.

Don’t take yourself so seriously….take life seriously, but don’t take yourself so seriously. 

Stay loose, something is bound to go wrong or be unpleasant, 

S.K.

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Competition and Comparisons

12 Apr

It’s a competitive world out there especially now when we are all trying to break out into ourselves and our careers and pursue our passions and dreams. But here are a few things I’ve learned along the way…(and keep relearning because I tend to forget them).

1) Stop comparing yourself with other people. It will never make you feel better and if it is what you do in order to feel better then you seriously need to reevaluate your self esteem and where you need to get validation from.

2) My best friend gave me great advice last week…”Just because other people are successful and doing really well DOES NOT mean that you are doing any worse than them”. We are all different and we all have our own paths. Follow yours.

3) Competition is healthy but friends support friends no matter what. If you have the confidence in yourself to follow through and get what you want/deserve then supporting and helping others should not be a problem. 

4) Sometimes there will come those times where you require help from someone else in order to get what you want. Whether it’s an introduction to someone they know in a field you want to break into or help with a personal project for your resume or like me, getting to a final stage of a contest via popular vote. These are the exact times where you see people’s true colors. Don’t overlook the people who are conspiring to help you and don’t forget that some of your “friends” may not really be your friends. 

5) “Haters are just confused admirers who can’t understand why everybody likes you.” I am not telling you this to remind you to be strong and to ignore your haters…that was the first thing that came to your mind, naturally. I’m telling you this to remind YOU to stop hating on other people. We all do it. You do it. I do it. It’s natural. But next time you feel yourself “hating” on someone else, stop. It’s not worth it. It’s not important that you can’t understand why people like them or why they are so successful. What IS important is that you are not confident enough to let it go and say “hey, good for them” or “who cares”. You are hating because in some way or another, you are jealous. I know some of you are like “uh, no that’s definitely not true”. I’m sorry but it is. It took me a long time to realize that I was a hater of some people and then I realized I spent too much time caring about their lives when I should have been channeling all that energy into my own. Learn from me.

6) My personal favorite—the Facebook illusion. Don’t let yourself get down and depressed because everyone on Facebook (or any other social media) seems to be so confident and successful and perfect. They aren’t. Facebook allows for everyone to selectively share what’s going on in their life. You don’t see me writing “Today, I hate life and am struggling to love who I am”…but that should have been my Facebook status everyday for a few months last year. Yes, I am putting that out there . Why? Because I desperately want to remind whoever reads this that it gets better, everyone is struggling and don’t be fooled into thinking you’re alone by the Facebook illusion!

S.K.

PS Don’t forget to go out and vote for me to win my dream internship. Click the link and click vote everyday (or however often you would like) until April 22. www.about.me/sahajkohli

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Some Interesting Charts: You Are Not Alone

11 Apr

Have You Reached Adulthood?

Copyright © 2011 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

^^^Notice how between the ages of 18-25, nearly 60% of people are still unsure if they can be considered an adult. Even from 28-35, 30% are struggling with some aspect of their life to keep them from feeling independent, confident, successful and whatever else you consider you need to be “an adult”.

Loneliness and Emotional Distress

Copyright © 2011 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

^^^Notice that the PEAK for loneliness is between the ages of 19-30. You are not alone in feeling alone. I know this may not provide complete relief but it should remind you that almost everybody around you, regardless of how they may seem on social media, are feeling this way and are struggling with the idea of loneliness. 

Stay strong, 

“You don’t own all the problems in the world”. Everybody struggles. Just know that you are not alone…hence the reason for this blog! If you want to share your personal struggles (to an extent) feel free to comment and start conversation!

Always,

S.K.

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