Tag Archives: Friends

Settling vs. Setting The Foundation

7 Dec

We’ve all been told, don’t settle, follow your dreams, reach for the stars blah blah blah.

Does it ever feel like you’re following and reaching and trying but you’re not moving fast enough or you’re not even close to where you thought you’d be right now? So then you think maybe you should just settle. And then your self-esteem plummets and self-confidence jumps out of the window and you question what you’re even worth or capable of….STOP…

Don’t get so discouraged-

You have to set the foundation for the things you really want. This may be mistaken for settling but it’s far from it.

So taking a job that’s not quite up to par for what you want to do isn’t settling. You’re setting the foundation of experience, skill acquisition, time and money in order to keep moving to where you want to be. Only if you stop working hard and trying to move up is when you’re settling for less.

Giving someone an honest chance to be your friend or significant other and them letting you down or mistreating you is only settling if you a)  don’t stand up for yourself or b) don’t leave the relationship if nothing ever changes. Otherwise you are just setting the foundation for what you know you need and/or want out of a friendship/relationship. (Remember: There’s something to be admired when people let others in their lives before making a judgement and when people give second chances). 

We all have lists upon lists of things that need to get done- within the hour, within the day, within the week..Don’t be so hard on yourself if you’re not moving as fast as you want, or not accomplishing things as quickly….All you can do is work hard, be genuine to your pace and progress will always be there. Don’t give up or settle because it’s taking a long time, or as Earl Nightingale said -“Never give up on a dream because of the time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyways.” 

 

S.K.

 

 

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The Golden Rule Revamped

10 May

We all know the Golden Rule. It is stated in all scriptures, all philosophies- the ethic of reciprocity- treat others the way you want to be treated. Honestly, I still haven’t decided how I feel about living by it. Sometimes no matter how I would want to be treated, I just can’t treat another person like that. Some people are just bad, mean, morally wrong, or cruel and don’t deserve your time, patience and compassion. (Rant over). 

This post looks at the rule from another angle. An angle I do try to live by.

Sometimes we need to treat ourselves the way we would treat others. This goes two ways.

First,

Would you forgive someone else for something you have done? Why can’t you forgive yourself?

Would you stand up for a friend or even a stranger if they are being mistreated or wronged? Why don’t you stand up for yourself?

Would you drop what you’re doing for a friend in need just to be there for them? Why do you think it’s weak to take time for yourself, to stop working, to ask for space or time off so you can recuperate and take care of yourself?

The list can go on. Love yourself more, be more forgiving, let yourself off the hook sometimes, and take care of yourself. 

Second, 

When you do something wrong or make a terrible mistake, do you tell yourself it’s okay and forgive yourself? Then why are you so unforgiving, hurtful and maybe even hold a grudge over a friend about the same thing?

When you are running late, cancel plans last minute, or cut someone off in traffic, do you understand and tell yourself that you aren’t usually like that? Then why do you question someone else’s character when they do the same things to you?

This list can also go on. Don’t be a hypocrite; you are not better than anyone else. Step into other people’s shoes more and be more understanding. 

This is something to think about in all relationships- familial, intimate, work, and platonic.

Think about it, 

S.K.

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The Chatter Bug: Spend More Time With Others

24 Apr

I spend a lot of time on this blog talking about the relationship you have with yourself. The importance of being able to take care of yourself, hold your own hand and most importantly, love yourself.

Well, I want to shift gears a little for this post.

I believe that relationships are probably one of the MOST important aspects of being alive. They make life a little easier, more fun, and more bearable. I’m not only talking about the  strong bonds you have with your friends or family. I’m talking about acquaintances, people you rarely meet and even strangers. Spontaneous, random, interactive conversation with anybody is a vital part of learning, living and growing.

The people in your life, whether you’ve created bonds with them or not, are an essential part of your quality of life. They provide love, support and some times even strength for you to carry on. Don’t take that for granted. 

1) Family - Every relationship requires effort to sustain and nurture it…even family. I think these are the people we take for granted the most. Most of us even prioritize our friends over family. I just want to remind you that there’s nothing like family. There’s nothing like siblings but there’s definitely nothing like your own parents. 

2) Friends – I know that most of my readers are finishing college or recent graduates. There’s nothing quite like living ten minutes walking distance from every person you love (minus family). Yes, now that you are all doing your own things, it’s definitely harder to spend quality time with your friends. Make sure that you are allowing some time during your week for a phone call. Plan in advance weekend getaways and hang out sessions so it becomes a priority you can’t cancel. Even write emails or snail mail letters on your lunch break just to say you appreciate their friendship. 

3) Older people – I think spending time with older people is incredibly important. Especially as we, the younger generation, fret over the petty things or live through our personal struggles. Older people have more experience, have lived through struggles (sometimes worse than our own), and have more expertise. If you don’t have grandparents or don’t live near them like myself, then spend some time in a nursing home. Not only will you be doing a good deed for your community but you will learn a lot from the people there. It’s a great way to get guidance and to absorb some wisdom or learn old tricks of the trade.

4) Younger people – After having a nephew, I realized how important it is that I act like someone he can look up to. I strive, now, everyday to be the role model he deserves to have as he grows up. If you don’t have younger siblings, nieces or nephews then just keep in mind that you never know when a child is watching you and observing you. Your behavior in public can influence more people than just your own reputation. 

5) Strangers – Simple conversation is all it takes to gain new perspective on life. Next time you’re waiting in line or on public transportation or admiring a stranger’s car/shoes/umbrella….strike up conversation! This is my favorite thing to do. You’ll never know if it’ll make someone’s day, what you’ll learn or who you’ll meet. Seriously! I met Fabolous’ (yes, the rapper) uncle in NY because I struck up random conversation with him at a park while sitting by myself. Before we parted ways, he offered me free tickets/back stage passes to a multi-artist concert. 

Catch the chatter bug. You’ll learn to deal with a variety of people which can foster your own strengths and weaknesses.  You’ll learn stories about the people closest to you that you never knew, you’ll gain perspective from the shortest encounters, and you’ll create a better quality of life for yourself. 

S.K.

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Competition and Comparisons

12 Apr

It’s a competitive world out there especially now when we are all trying to break out into ourselves and our careers and pursue our passions and dreams. But here are a few things I’ve learned along the way…(and keep relearning because I tend to forget them).

1) Stop comparing yourself with other people. It will never make you feel better and if it is what you do in order to feel better then you seriously need to reevaluate your self esteem and where you need to get validation from.

2) My best friend gave me great advice last week…”Just because other people are successful and doing really well DOES NOT mean that you are doing any worse than them”. We are all different and we all have our own paths. Follow yours.

3) Competition is healthy but friends support friends no matter what. If you have the confidence in yourself to follow through and get what you want/deserve then supporting and helping others should not be a problem. 

4) Sometimes there will come those times where you require help from someone else in order to get what you want. Whether it’s an introduction to someone they know in a field you want to break into or help with a personal project for your resume or like me, getting to a final stage of a contest via popular vote. These are the exact times where you see people’s true colors. Don’t overlook the people who are conspiring to help you and don’t forget that some of your “friends” may not really be your friends. 

5) “Haters are just confused admirers who can’t understand why everybody likes you.” I am not telling you this to remind you to be strong and to ignore your haters…that was the first thing that came to your mind, naturally. I’m telling you this to remind YOU to stop hating on other people. We all do it. You do it. I do it. It’s natural. But next time you feel yourself “hating” on someone else, stop. It’s not worth it. It’s not important that you can’t understand why people like them or why they are so successful. What IS important is that you are not confident enough to let it go and say “hey, good for them” or “who cares”. You are hating because in some way or another, you are jealous. I know some of you are like “uh, no that’s definitely not true”. I’m sorry but it is. It took me a long time to realize that I was a hater of some people and then I realized I spent too much time caring about their lives when I should have been channeling all that energy into my own. Learn from me.

6) My personal favorite—the Facebook illusion. Don’t let yourself get down and depressed because everyone on Facebook (or any other social media) seems to be so confident and successful and perfect. They aren’t. Facebook allows for everyone to selectively share what’s going on in their life. You don’t see me writing “Today, I hate life and am struggling to love who I am”…but that should have been my Facebook status everyday for a few months last year. Yes, I am putting that out there . Why? Because I desperately want to remind whoever reads this that it gets better, everyone is struggling and don’t be fooled into thinking you’re alone by the Facebook illusion!

S.K.

PS Don’t forget to go out and vote for me to win my dream internship. Click the link and click vote everyday (or however often you would like) until April 22. www.about.me/sahajkohli

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The Other Side of The Window “Extrovert vs. Introvert”

3 Feb

The final thing that I took from the writing conference I went to a few weeks ago that had to do with looking at your life from the outside in is this: the concept of introversion and extroversion.

Think about who you are in a social setting…your personality, your strengths, and your weaknesses. Are you more of a social butterfly or someone who would rather keep to themselves? Are you an active participant of random conversations or do you enjoy silently sitting back and listening to what others have to say? Neither of these are bad traits, in my opinion. I actually think the real trick is being able to be aware of the pros and cons of your personality type and finding ways to strengthen your weaknesses and balance out the more extreme characteristics you may have.

I bring all of this up because I think we spend a lot of time focusing on the external factors in our lives (education, family, friends, strangers, job, location etc.) and not enough, if any, on how we can straighten out the creases in our own personality.

{{My story- At the conference, I found my social, confident, comfortable with vulnerability personality become shut down and overtaken by this quiet, fearful, intimidated side which was a hard slap in the face for me. I spent the entire conference trying to master the skill of initiating conversation with strangers but sitting back to listen and hear their stories and perspectives without talking the whole time. It wasn’t so easy for me because I find that I get into my extreme modes of reservation or socialization. Something I definitely want to learn to find balance with.}}

So here are some pros and cons of introversion and extroversion. I know this is elementary knowledge but while you read this I want you to mentally take note of how you can master the pros, strengthen the cons and find a balance.

Introverts

-       Better able to handle being alone, being satisfied alone, and reassure oneself (Self contained, self reliant)

-       Independent (too much/neglect others/not have personal connections?, just enough?)

-       May not fully make themselves vulnerable because they don’t want to feel that dependence on someone else     or because they are just fine taking care of themselves and don’t see the point

-       Not a social butterfly

-       Cautious, hesitant

-       Quiet, calm, reserved, “chill” demeanor

Extroverts

-       Able to develop connections with lots of people, including strangers 

-       Feel comfortable putting themselves out there (outward energy focus)

-       Social butterfly (too much/drama/neglect real friends?, just enough?)

-       Can become dependent on others/not fully comfortable with the idea of being alone with themselves

-       Action oriented

-       Loud, gregarious, animated, “enthusiastic” demeanor

Though I share these to help benefit who you are, keep in mind that getting a hold on how these personality traits work can also help you become more understanding of other people as well.

I decided not to pair the list of traits with the word ‘pro’, or ‘con’ because I think we all have our own opinions. Instead I wanted to point out what the traits are and then you could manipulate them to fit you however you want.

I would love to get some responses on this. Are you more introverted or extroverted? How so? What do you think your flaws or strengths are because of it? What do you want to change? What wouldn’t you change?

S.K.

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The Other Side Of The Window “Leave the Clique, Join the Crowd”

24 Jan

I went to a writing conference this past weekend in New York and it was an invaluable experience. Everyone there was a writer with a pencil and a dream (or a laptop). All in all it was pretty awesome. However, there were three main ideas I took away from the conference that really resonated with my struggle through my personal quarter life crisis. Each one plays a sub role in the main idea of seeing yourself from the outside in…and none of them had anything to do with the actual writing part of the writing conference.

First, I think the older we get the more likely we are to forget about the importance to appreciate the value of meeting new people. We all understand that it gets harder to make and find true friends. We have our childhood friends, high school friends, college friends but then after that…..how are you supposed to meet people? More importantly, why would you bother if you have your circle?

By the end of the first day of the conference, most people had seemed to create their cliques. YES, cliques exist at any age….some of you might be thinking…”I don’t have a clique, I am friends with a variety of different people”. That could be true but those different people you hang out with or talk to more regularly are still your clique(s) that you click with and therefore stick with. Once you have found an appropriate amount of people you feel comfortable with, you start blocking everyone else off…even during a conference where you are meant to socialize and network.

WHY?? It’s hard to be comfortable in such intimidating situations but I made sure to try to make the most of it. I refused to sit with the same people everyday, and I talked to everyone who dared come in my presence. (Sidenote: what is it with going to class or a conference and feeling like the first seat you choose is your assigned seat for the duration of that engagement? Switch it up and change tables every now and then to surround yourself with different people.)

It was incredible the amount I learned just by having a conversation with someone random. I came back from the conference with ideas, psychology references to research (I’m studying psychology), and business cards with people who want to keep in touch all across the United States. I wouldn’t have been able to maximize my time or the amazing things so many people had to offer if I stayed with those few people I found comfort with on the first day.

Moral of the story: don’t write everyone else off just because you have your few people you are perfectly comfortable with. When you have the chance to make new friends, contacts or just acquaintances- do it! Your friends will be there, but don’t let them stop you from reaching out into other groups. The older you get, the more stable your friendships are and with that should lie the comfort of knowing that they will always be there as a home base. Learn to veer away from your clique so you can submerge yourself into a crowd every once in awhile. Yes, it can be scary but embrace your vulnerability in an uncomfortable situation. You’ll be amazed at what you come out with, even if not with new friendships or acquaintances then at least with new knowledge and perspective.

For #2 and #3 please check in later this week :)

S.K.

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Are You Friendly, or Friends?

30 Sep

  Right now, I am struggling with trying to take care of myself while still being a good friend. But there are times when I need to remind myself that it’s okay to be selfish. I am a huge socialite and have spent a lot of my time during transitions and personal adjustments focusing on my friends and having a social life. Don’t get me wrong, friendships and relationships are one of the most important aspects of life. However, sometimes you need to take your time to focus on you and only you. This doesn’t make you a bad friend, this makes you human. 

     Your real friends will still be around after the worst blows over. The real friends will still be contacting you just to check in without giving you a hard time on a delayed, or SUPER delayed response. The real friends know you will always be there for them just like you know they will always be there for you. And sometimes “being there” for someone means not being there at all and giving them space to breathe and maybe adjust or maybe just focus on school/a job. 

     The people who only act as your friends when you are physically around or seen are not your real friends. Don’t mistake the friendly for real friends. Real friends remain real friends even when there’s space, distance and/or time between them. 

    Just something I have been thinking about.
S.K.

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