Tag Archives: Struggle

Five Fundamentals For Any Change

21 Oct

I am not a fan of change, says the girl who writes a blog to help you get through life transitions….

I’ve been struggling with my own personal struggles recently and I’ve realized five fundamental things about change-

1) There’s no step by step process you can take to be ready for change or to change something….you just have to do it. Once you take the action to either make the change or accept the change, your mind and heart will slowly catch up to the decision — that disconnect is the hardest period of change. (Read an old post- Adaptation)

2) When you realize you have to change something (and it wasn’t done for you by outside factors), it’s because something is going fundamentally wrong with your approach and process you’re already taking. Changing your approach might not mean losing something but rather securing it.

3) Sometimes changing things up is exactly what you have to do to be certain that how things originally were are exactly how they should be. Process of elimination. 

4) If you don’t like how things are now the only way to change it is to change it. Otherwise stop complaining. “By changing nothing, nothing changes.” -Tony Robbins

5) The energy you’re putting in to holding on to things sometimes needs to be redirected to letting things go. At least with the latter you’ll get an outcome instead of being stuck.

Happy Sunday, 

S.K.

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Making The ‘Right’ Decision

5 Oct

Like all decisions that have to be made- if you choose one side, you’re giving up the other. It’s not rocket science. But I never really thought this through until I confronted my sister with a recent decision making dilemma and this is what she said:

“Something has to be taken away whether you take away from yourself, your parents, your relationships, school or whatever else, something has to give in order for their to be gain. If you can trust that you are doing the right thing in that moment, regardless of whether you regret it later (because that’s a lesson in itself), then you have to let everyone else deal with their own feelings because of it.”

After hearing these golden words from my sister I realized I was having such a hard time making a decision because I couldn’t give everybody what they wanted or have it all.

No matter how you spin it, making a decision requires a loss and a gain. C’est la vie.

The truth is that the actual decision making isn’t the hard part. The difficulty is having confidence that what you decide is right, no matter how it turns out.

So, next time you’re in a decision making dilemma ask yourself – “which one will I regret not choosing more?” and visualize yourself in each scenario.

Everybody else will eventually come to terms with whatever you decide but you have to live with your choice and its repercussions, always. 

S.K.

P.S. Look out for the final post in the Characteristics of Greatness series at the beginning of next week. 

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One Year Anniversary

22 Sep

As of today, A Quarter Life Crisis Blog is one years old.

Why did I start this blog and what’s the intention of it now?

I was struggling a year ago. I was in a rut and decided to use writing as a way for me to remind myself of what’s important as to not lose myself in a black hole that had become my life. With every post, I started to remember the importance of struggle and strength as well as how to maintain perspective when everything seems shot to hell.

Now, I don’t write to convince you, or myself, that we are different. Rather, I write to provide the insight and strength so we can utilize OUR own tools (mental, physical, emotional) to better understand how to tackle qualms, overcome struggles, strengthen weaknesses, maximize strengths and understand that we ARE so damn awesome.

Five key rules I try to reiterate over and over again throughout my blog are:

1) It’s OK to demand happiness from yourself and from the rest of the world.

2) It’s important to allow yourself to be vulnerable to struggles and changes, both innate and external.

3) Perspective is everything in every single situation you will ever encounter.

4) It will always be okay and you have everything you need to be okay.

5) You are not alone.

What has happened in the past year?

Two months in, the blog was featured on Paulo Coelho’s blog, five months later, a radio show highlighted the blog and it’s core, and a month after that, after winning the highest number of votes on an online contest, I was able to take the “Quarter Life Crisis” to The Huffington Post. It’s been an amazing adventure and I am beyond excited to see where the next year will take the blog.

How was all of this possible?

Even with my own strength to write and share my thoughts, struggles and lessons, this blog would not exist without any of my followers. So, I want to thank you– my family, my old friends, and most importantly new friends who have come about solely because of this blog (both people I’ve briefly known and virtual friends). 

And to thank you all, I am hosting a contest so I can give back to those who’ve made this blog possible. 

The Contest

Two winners will receive a hand-made, personalized mini-QLC book that caters to their most prevalent struggle in their quarter life crisis.  It will be a mini version of a main book that is still in progress (See the Questionnaire page).

In order to be qualified to win, you must do all of the following three:

1) Like the QLC Facebook Page

2) Follow the QLC on Twitter

3) Tweet your favorite post (with the link) from the past year to @QLCrisis with the hashtag #QLC1

You have until 11:59 pm EST on Saturday, September 29th to do the above! 

Then, on Sunday I will use random.org to generate the two winners. 

Good luck,

S.K.

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A Letter To The Past Me

13 Jul

Dear 17 year old Sahaj,

Congratulations! You just graduated from high school at the top of your class, VP of the student body, captain of the Varsity soccer team, President of the French National Honor Society, and second team all regional/first team all district field hockey player. I know you’re feeling really good and accomplished and as though there is nothing you can’t conquer. Well, I hate to break it to you but the conquering won’t happen until later down the road. Don’t worry. Don’t be frightened. The experiences and trials you will face over the next few years will solidify your strength and your individuality- both of which you are currently lacking.

Don’t be offended when your father jokes at your high school graduation party that the real celebration is going to be when (or if) you graduate college. You won’t graduate college in four years….or five years. At some point, you will even compare yourself to Steve Jobs to convince yourself that you don’t need to finish college altogether. Don’t be stupid. You’ll learn very quickly how much you need a college degree both for your dignity and for your future.

You will use “I care about other people more than myself” as an excuse for not facing your own demons or taking care of yourself. Family will navigate your path and you’ll blindly submit to them. Friends and society will dictate your pace and you’ll lose any sense of control trying to keep up. Significant others will be used to distract you from how quickly your life is falling apart.

You will disappoint yourself and worse, your family. You will feel ashamed for far too long and then you will discover the importance of carving your own path. It won’t be easy, but you’ll learn as you go. I know from experience.

Read on. It becomes worse only to get so much better.

Sahaj, everything will fall apart. You will fall extremely hard over and over again. You’ll experience something so traumatic – something people only hear about because a friend of a friend knew somebody who experienced the same thing. It will break your spirit. You’ll shut out anyone who cares about you and will allow yourself to drown. You will question the meaning of life on the deepest level where the only two answers to choose from are either a) it’s worth it or b) it’s not worth it. When you are convinced that you’ve hit rock bottom, you’ll sink even lower. Funny how that happens.

I’ll spare you details of the months to follow and say this: though you’ve left me with the scars, you also emerged out of this living Hell a new person. You started creating yourself as the person you wanted to be. You wanted to be strong, so you became strong. You wanted to focus on the love in this world, so despite feeling defeated you kept on loving life. You wanted to be fearless and, well, you’re still working on that, but you’ve definitely come a long way.

Sahaj, you don’t know how to do this yet, but one day you will stop letting everyone else tell you who to be. After balancing the inauthenticity that came from all of the above, you will demand more from yourself, family, society, and men. You won’t let anybody dictate your path or make you feel inferior or force you into submission. You will teach yourself how to be who you want to be. Somewhere in the next six years, you will be your greatest enemy but you will learn to become your best friend.

I’m sure you think you are happy now but truth is you’re only pleased because of how smoothly you’ve been coasting through life. In six years you will truly be happy. You will love yourself in a way that you’ve only known to love other people. You will be at peace with how hard life is because you will know how equally, if not more, rewarding it can be. Most importantly, you will stop seeking validation for your path or your life from anyone else.

So, today on your high school graduation day, I want to leave you with this – Trust your instincts. Follow your vision. Know that it doesn’t matter if your parents try to protect you or your friends try to save you, you need to believe in yourself.

You’ve had it easy and soon you will have it hard. Mostly because those around you have always spoiled you but partly because bad things happen that you can’t control. The real question, though, is when you take everyone and everything else away, who do you have left?

I know you don’t know the answer to this yet. But I do. Character doesn’t waver no matter who or what you encounter. You will be strong, persevering, humble and kind because that’s your character. You will break, but you will understand that only you can mend yourself. You will fall but you will learn that you have to have the will to get back up. You will fail but you will not stop trying.  You won’t let your struggles or your past define who you are going to be. And for that, I’m so proud of you.

Love,

23 year old Sahaj

 

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Competition and Comparisons

12 Apr

It’s a competitive world out there especially now when we are all trying to break out into ourselves and our careers and pursue our passions and dreams. But here are a few things I’ve learned along the way…(and keep relearning because I tend to forget them).

1) Stop comparing yourself with other people. It will never make you feel better and if it is what you do in order to feel better then you seriously need to reevaluate your self esteem and where you need to get validation from.

2) My best friend gave me great advice last week…”Just because other people are successful and doing really well DOES NOT mean that you are doing any worse than them”. We are all different and we all have our own paths. Follow yours.

3) Competition is healthy but friends support friends no matter what. If you have the confidence in yourself to follow through and get what you want/deserve then supporting and helping others should not be a problem. 

4) Sometimes there will come those times where you require help from someone else in order to get what you want. Whether it’s an introduction to someone they know in a field you want to break into or help with a personal project for your resume or like me, getting to a final stage of a contest via popular vote. These are the exact times where you see people’s true colors. Don’t overlook the people who are conspiring to help you and don’t forget that some of your “friends” may not really be your friends. 

5) “Haters are just confused admirers who can’t understand why everybody likes you.” I am not telling you this to remind you to be strong and to ignore your haters…that was the first thing that came to your mind, naturally. I’m telling you this to remind YOU to stop hating on other people. We all do it. You do it. I do it. It’s natural. But next time you feel yourself “hating” on someone else, stop. It’s not worth it. It’s not important that you can’t understand why people like them or why they are so successful. What IS important is that you are not confident enough to let it go and say “hey, good for them” or “who cares”. You are hating because in some way or another, you are jealous. I know some of you are like “uh, no that’s definitely not true”. I’m sorry but it is. It took me a long time to realize that I was a hater of some people and then I realized I spent too much time caring about their lives when I should have been channeling all that energy into my own. Learn from me.

6) My personal favorite—the Facebook illusion. Don’t let yourself get down and depressed because everyone on Facebook (or any other social media) seems to be so confident and successful and perfect. They aren’t. Facebook allows for everyone to selectively share what’s going on in their life. You don’t see me writing “Today, I hate life and am struggling to love who I am”…but that should have been my Facebook status everyday for a few months last year. Yes, I am putting that out there . Why? Because I desperately want to remind whoever reads this that it gets better, everyone is struggling and don’t be fooled into thinking you’re alone by the Facebook illusion!

S.K.

PS Don’t forget to go out and vote for me to win my dream internship. Click the link and click vote everyday (or however often you would like) until April 22. www.about.me/sahajkohli

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Some Interesting Charts: You Are Not Alone

11 Apr

Have You Reached Adulthood?

Copyright © 2011 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

^^^Notice how between the ages of 18-25, nearly 60% of people are still unsure if they can be considered an adult. Even from 28-35, 30% are struggling with some aspect of their life to keep them from feeling independent, confident, successful and whatever else you consider you need to be “an adult”.

Loneliness and Emotional Distress

Copyright © 2011 Pearson Education, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

^^^Notice that the PEAK for loneliness is between the ages of 19-30. You are not alone in feeling alone. I know this may not provide complete relief but it should remind you that almost everybody around you, regardless of how they may seem on social media, are feeling this way and are struggling with the idea of loneliness. 

Stay strong, 

“You don’t own all the problems in the world”. Everybody struggles. Just know that you are not alone…hence the reason for this blog! If you want to share your personal struggles (to an extent) feel free to comment and start conversation!

Always,

S.K.

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Celebrating 6 Months: The Story of The Monkey Bars

5 Apr

When I was a little girl I broke my first bone. How? I was at a friend’s house playing in her backyard trying to see how many bars I could skip while making my way across the monkey bars. Instead of starting with one and making my way up. I went straight to trying to skip every three bars…and BAM…landed on my arm the wrong way.

I used to be the kind of person who pushed myself to the limit. I’m not just talking about as a little girl either. I’m talking about recently…maybe only a year ago, if that. This was good until it became dangerous to my well being. I wanted results, and fast. I wanted to make more progress than I had to work for. I didn’t consider what was realistic. I didn’t believe that I had to actually cross through B to get to C. I thought I could just hop around from A to G to K to X because that’s how things used to be for me in high school and basically all of my life until I started college, got my first lowest grades, took time off, got rejected from a bunch of things and then realized that I was just too stubborn and needed to slow down.

So, here I am. I am still learning but I have definitely changed the way I think and the way I take action. I started this blog from scratch, with some unresolved pain and a passion, 6 months ago as a way for me to remind myself of some things. Now 6 months later, I get email after email with love and support and people (some I know, some I don’t) telling me they can relate and they are inspired by what I write. It’s incredible to me. Yesterday, I was invited to guest appear on a small radio show at the end of the month to talk about the blog and the quarter life crisis. It’s not my big break but it’s a small step in the right direction. A year ago? I would have been discouraged that nothing greater is coming from my hard work.

Now? I know that it’s absolutely necessary to take the small steps. You have to optimize opportunities, no matter how small. They say you have to climb the ladder to success but now I am learning that sometimes there isn’t even a ladder. You have to take your small opportunities (sometimes really, really tiny ones) and stack them up and build them into bigger opportunities. It’s a sequential process. If you take the small steps, with time, you’ll look back and be astounded at how far you’ve come. This way, you gain more experience and knowledge. Yes, it’s hard work and will sometimes end up in failure but that’s how you get emotionally and mentally stronger. I don’t blame the little girl me for aspiring to skip three monkey bars. I blame her for not trying one bar or two bars first. I blame her for not building the strength and muscle (in this case, physically) to fulfill the dream. 

With that said, I want to say thank you to all of you. My friends and family who from the beginning never made me feel silly for having to publicly share my struggles and doubts in myself. My loyal followers. My new followers. And the strangers and acquaintances who came across this blog, and have stayed. This blog is officially 6 months old and it’s only getting better from here.  

S.K.

P.S. If you have issues or crises you’d like me to blog about, go to the contact page and share them with me! If you want to share your own perspective and stories then please submit your own guest post! Finally, if you want to help be a part of a book in the making, fill out the questionnaire! Thank you!

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Reset Your Mindset With Adjustments in the Weather

26 Mar

Spring is a season that always gets you feeling good (or at least better), and it mostly has to do with the weather. There are studies that show that pleasant weather (approx. 72 degrees) makes you feel happier, more positive, cognitively clearer and more productive.

Well, I’ve decided to take this Spring (and probably the Summer), and use this push in the right direction to reevaluate, rearrange and recheck my spiritual weather so I can completely reset my mindset. What do I mean by this?

Well first of all, something spiritual is something that is relating to or affecting one’s spirit. And the spirit relates to one’s mind, one’s will and one’s feelings.  

I’ve had a rough few months and I’ve realized that I’m allowing my will to be broken. I’ve realized that I have allowed myself to be sucked in and affected by some personally gloomy weather. Some of my relationships have gone from sunny to cloudy to on the verge of a downpour all in a short period of time. Yet, I still allow myself to be a part of them. I have forgotten that I can always find control even over my uncontrollable, strictly circumstantial, personal situations. It’s just a matter of how I let them affect me and how I handle them. I’ve spent more time recently feeling bad rather than feeling good, feeling weak rather than feeling strong, and feeling restless rather than feeling focused. A lot of this has been created due to the people I allow to bring me down (friends and family), the uncontrollable events that I let break me, and the attitude I hold everyday.

And only very recently have I learned that I can choose to be brought down, broken, or negative or I can choose not to be.

Therefore, I am choosing to close the doors on the gloomy relationships/situations I can control and carry an oversized bright yellow umbrella to deflect the Spring showers I’m forced to walk through. I refuse to allow the humidity in my environment  keep me from fiercely breathing in the fresh air. And, finally, with a little change in perspective, I will teach myself to learn to positively adjust to the negative.

The weatherman can tell you it’s going to rain outside and you can prepare with an umbrella. But he may also tell you that it’s going to be sunny with no trace of a cloud and it could downpour. This is life. Be your own (spiritual) weatherman. Avoid the people who bring you storms, but always be prepared with an umbrella to deflect the things you can’t control. Don’t let a change in unpredictable weather in your life break your will, mind or emotions. You can always choose how you adjust, perceive and react. 

Reset your mindset with adjustments in the weather, 

S.K.

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Be a Lover AND a Fighter

3 Nov

Struggle is a mere fragment embedded within the beauty of life. Like a chip in a wood carving or a crack in a marble centerpiece; despite the unintentional imperfection, they are still gorgeous. Struggle deviously finds her way into our lives. We have all met her, some more briefly than others. Some of us have had conversations with her while others share a bed with her every night, but no matter what we all can recognize her almost instantaneously when we see her. Struggle never travels alone though; she’s got plenty of obedient followers- fear, doubt, vulnerability, loneliness, cruelty, unfairness, disappointment and helplessness.

I do believe that people are strong enough to endure the struggles they are faced with. However, sometimes we are faced with unimaginable situations and circumstances that force us to create strength out of scraps and pieces of what’s left of us. I think everybody has the capability to rebuild themselves in the darkest of times, but not everybody tries because the truth is it sucks and it’s hard and heart-wrenching and life changing and incredibly painful.

Struggle is a trip. Literally. People fall down all the time and get right back up and carry on. Granted some people take longer to get up than others, everyone trips at some point or another.

What about the people who don’t just fall but rather plummet. What about those who land flat on their face on pavement and then immediately get hit by a car or two or three and lay there, struggling to breathe, barely alive. Those that feel immediate relief at the fact that life is not spiraling out of control for just onesecond, and before they can catch a breath, struggle is throwing punches again.

When you are completely falling apart, your fate is in your hands. You are in the perfect position to be in control to piece yourself back together the way you would like.

The unfortunate and simple way out, is stay broken. Let yourself be torn and let the struggle engulf your being while you ease into nothingness. (Sorry for being so morbid).

OR

Embrace the struggle. Let it shake your core. Let it compel you to feel scared and weak. Allow yourself to freely mingle with vulnerability. Force yourself to trust that you don’t know what you don’t know. Lay all your deepest and most intricate emotions and thoughts around you. Let the uncertainty of it all shelter you and comfort you. Dive into your own soul and reflect. In your most fragile state, you will discover your strength and power. The strength that has been camping out under the floorboards of your security, knowing that someday it may disappear or change or break. The strength that will help you, rescue yourself.

Struggle may challenge you in many forms- fear, loss, heartbreak, disappointment, change, uncertainty, or unfairness; but stay strong and fight back. The most valuable things that are worth having are sometimes the hardest to obtain/maintain. Nonetheless, they are definitely worth fighting for. Life is valuable and beautiful and worth every minute of the fight.

Remember, even those who are consistently tormented by struggle find a way to calmly smile in her face and patronize her in return. After all, love for life is struggle’s kryptonite.

Be a lover and a fighter.
S.K.

P.S. I transferred this post from an old blog. Some of you avid followers have probably read it, and forgotten about it. I think it is a must read for quarter life crisis sufferers. 

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Let Me Clarify

26 Oct

     So, my last post stirred up some awesome conversations and debate. I think I owe all of you a clarification…
     I have gathered that the issue with my previous post is mainly the word “pretending”. What do I mean by that? Isn’t that just being fake to the world and to yourself? Isn’t it potentially dangerous? Shouldn’t we learn to embrace such negative and painful emotions?

     When I say “pretend”, I in no way mean “avoid”. There should definitely be an act of embracing the emotions you feel no matter how painful or awful they may be. After all, there is no true way to get rid of them without acknowledging or working through them. Even if you suppress and ignore them for the longest time, they will ALWAYS come back to bite you in the butt. Ignoring, avoiding and suppressing are extremely dangerous and yes enable the concept of being fake and lying to yourself. So don’t do it. Acknowledge your feelings, no matter how awful. Seek help if you need it, from friends, family, professionals…whatever. DONT be ashamed to ask for help. I can’t stress that enough. Find healthy outlets…write, exercise, scream, cry etc. and find ways to make it all more bearable because it WON’T go away right away. 
(Sidenote- I think that is the hardest thing for people who actually work through their negative feelings and emotions- the struggle with accepting that there isn’t a set piece of advice or something that you can follow or do to make everything miraculously better right away.)

     When I say “pretend”, I mean there comes a point when things are so awful that even though you know it’s there and even though you address it, you will just be paralyzed by those feelings if you don’t get your self up somehow. Most of the time when things are THAT bad, the way to get yourself up is by pretending you’re okay, and finding as much normalcy in everyday life without letting those emotions totally overtake every aspect of it. After all, I believe that addressing something so painful and deep and scarring takes way too much time to wait for it to be better before you can act like you’re okay. Therefore, while you’re working things out on your own time, and waiting for the moment when you have successfully finished dealing with it all, then pretending is perfectly okay.

I hope this gave you more clarity on my perspective. Thanks to all of you who shared your insight with me. Keep it coming. I learn from you.

S.K.

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